Cali was born and I had a million sparks that fired every second of the first year. I could not handle the amount that I wanted to offer. Every day for five years I wish that i had an hour more or a story extra. Some days I have less patience and am short. I apologize. I am forever sorry for every time I hurt your feelings. It is the look in your eyes when you feel that you have disappointed me that gets me the most. This is another area of failure.

No Dad worth any salt should ever enjoy to see that look in a child’s eyes - unworthiness

. I have caused Cali to have that look on two occasions and have felt awful.

I want the child wonder and magic to stay in her beautiful face for as long as is possible. I love her with all my heart and because she is similar in some ways - I guess that is why we butt heads. I understand that it is normal. I just don’t like it.

I have failed in the fact that I am not your best friend in your eyes. That is all I have ever tried to be and for some reason I can not crack it.

I want to make it so that you can look at me and feel that I will be there for you. I would regardless but I do not think that you feel that way and that is my failure.

I do not always tell you how much of a miracle you are.

I do not tell you everyday how you are learning and how proud I am of you.

I do not make you know that i tell everyone I know about you and what you do and what you say and how you act and how much I gush when I think about how far you have come. I want you to be able to read this and know that way before you read this that I have proved what I feel every day.